


Absolute Clownery

by Scourgefan12



Category: Hellsing
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-12
Updated: 2020-07-12
Packaged: 2021-03-04 22:28:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,561
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25223926
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Scourgefan12/pseuds/Scourgefan12
Summary: Jan and Doc should not be allowed in a room together.
Comments: 3
Kudos: 9





	Absolute Clownery

Jan was annoying. Really, that was just a fact of life. Grass is green, the sky is blue, and Jan is unbelievably annoying. Anyone who interacted with him knew this to be the case, but few people were as aware of this as Doc. For some reason, Jan seemed to feel a special type of joy when pestering him. Maybe it was because he never failed to react. No matter what bait Jan tossed at him, he'd take it. He just couldn't help himself, every word Jan said was like sandpaper to his ears. If he listened for too long he felt like he might go insane.  
  
There was also the fact that he was probably the only one in Millennium who couldn't kick Jan's ass, so there was no risk in bothering him. He was a normal human, more or less. No enhanced strength and no extraordinary powers. Certainly nothing that would give him a chance against a vampire.  
  
Regardless of the reason, Doc hated it. It made him want to tear his hair out, or wring the life out of Jan's neck, or _something_. Sometimes he was tempted to detonate the chip he'd planted in Jan and just kill him, but... no. It wouldn't be worth it. They had big plans for Jan, he was going to be part of the opening act in their big plan. Doc couldn't just cast him aside like that, no matter how awful he was to be around.  
  
That left him with very few options. He could tell Jan to fuck off, tell Luke to try and discipline his brother, or ask Major to punish him for his behavior. Aside from that, his hands were tied. And, unfortunately, since Jan never actually listened or learned from any sort of punishment, that left him pretty much at the young vampire's mercy.  
  
\----------  
  
Millennium was in the middle of a group meeting. Why? Well, because earlier that day someone had left their leftovers in the middle of the living room. This wouldn't be too big of a problem, if these leftovers weren't human remains. Sharing a living space with mostly supernatural creatures will do that.  
  
So, now they were working together to try and figure out who was responsible. Or rather, they were mostly arguing at each other and pointing fingers, while others didn't care enough to bother trying to participate in the discussion. It was a bit of a mess, really.  
  
Mercifully, at least one of them was calm, and it happened to be the Major. When he spoke up, the others knew to quiet down so he could be heard. "Now now, everyone. One at a time." He attempted to take control of the conversation, if it could even be called that. "Herr Doktor, you had something you wanted to say?"  
  
Doc was grateful to be the first one allowed to speak. He doubted the others had much to contribute, anyway. "I think it's obvious that a vampire is behind this." It was the most obvious conclusion, yet nobody else had bothered bringing it up yet.  
  
"Are you sure? It was probably just Schrodinger." Zorin glared down at the catboy.  
  
"What? Why me?" Schrodinger almost looked hurt at the accusation, his ears lying almost flat on his head. "I can go anywhere just by willing it. If I needed to dump a body for some reason, I would just do that instead of making you guys clean it up."  
  
"Don't play dumb. Cats leave 'presents' for their owners all the time."   
  
Schrodinger let out a small growl. "So? Then I would have just caught a bird or something, why would I go through the trouble of dragging in a human's corpse?"  
  
"Obviously because a human would be more dramatic than just an animal!" Zorin stepped closer, looking like she wanted to slice Schrodinger's head off.   
  
Unlike the corpse that had shown up this morning, Schrodinger's wouldn't be a problem. It would disappear, and then he'd be back in no time. Still, that didn't mean just letting him get killed was a good idea. If violence started among these people, who knew what would end up happening.  
  
Doc cleared his throat, dragging their attention away from each other. "As compelling of an argument as that is, I'm afraid it's a dead end." He dug around in his coat pockets for a moment, pulling out a few photographs. "There are bites on our victim's neck, clearly left by a vampire."   
  
Zorin looked like she wanted to argue more, muttering a few choice words before turning away. "Fine, so it was a vampire. Big deal."  
  
Doc smiled at bit to himself. At the time, gathering legitimate evidence had felt kind of dumb, but it seemed like it was actually proving to be useful. "That cuts at least two people out of our suspect list."  
  
Schrodinger excitedly giggled to himself. "Did you hear that? Our innocence has been proven!" He grabbed onto the Captain's wrist. "That means we can leave now!"  
  
"Oh no you don't. Nobody leaves here until this mystery is solved." Doc grabbed the back of Schrodinger's shirt collar, keeping him in place.  
  
The catboy's ears drooped again. "Oh." He crossed his arms, staring at the ground.   
  
"So that just leaves... nearly everyone else here." Luke sighed, already growing impatient.  
  
"Okay, so now we just need to narrow it down even more." Jan said, much more willing than his older brother. "What's everyone's alibis for last night?"  
  
Doc blinked at Jan's choice of topic. "How... do you know this happened during nighttime?"  
  
"Stop asking me dumbass questions! It can easily be solved by the process of elimination." Jan sighed, giving an exaggerated roll of his eyes. "Fine. I guess I'll explain it to the itty bitty peabrained bitchlet."  
  
" _Bitchlet?_ " Doc wished he had time to be properly offended at that. But, the discussion was still going.  
  
"The culprit is a vampire, right? And vampires can't go out in the sun, _right?_ " He sounded far more condescending than he had any right being. "So obviously, the only time this could've happened was at night, since none of us vampires could've left before then, or during the morning."   
  
Nobody said anything in response, but they all accepted this as true. Not all of them were happy to get shown up by the one who was widely regarded as the dumbest member of Millennium, but they couldn't exactly argue.  
  
"Got it? Anyone who doesn't get this is just as dumb as the whore bitchlet over there."  
  
Oh, Doc was seething. He was certainly going to get back at Jan after this. Somehow.  
  
\----------  
  
Doc was currently in his lab. This was where he spent most of his time. He liked being productive, and this was where he was the most useful.  
  
At the moment, he was busy experimenting on some human soldiers. He was trying to figure out how to make his artificial vampires even better. More deadly, more efficient, more durable. The best way to do that was to make more and test them out.  
  
He'd just finished making one, and if his calculations were correct, this one should be able to withstand silver bullets.  
  
Well, only one way to know if he was right. He picked up the gun he'd set aside earlier, took aim, and fired. Much to his disappointment, this only resulted in the vampire falling to the ground, dead for good.  
  
Doc sighed and shook his head. This was going to take a lot more work than he planned for. "It seems I made a mistake... how rare." He muttered to himself.  
  
"It's not that rare for you to make a mistake! Your entire existence is a mistake!" Jan chimed in. He'd followed Doc into the lab and insisted on watching. Surprisingly, watching really was all he was doing. Well, aside from his obnoxious commentary, but that was about it. He was at least staying out of the way.  
  
"You vicious little..." Doc balled his hands into fists, taking a deep breath. He didn't have time to fight with this manchild. There was a lot to be done, he couldn't afford to get distracted. "You know, it wouldn't hurt you to keep your thoughts to yourself for once." He said, beckoning his next subject to the surgical table.  
  
"Maybe, but what would be the fun in that?"   
  
Doc couldn't think of anything to say to that. So, he went back to ignoring Jan and focusing on his work.  
  
He worked on subject after subject for hours, each time ending in failure. He was getting increasingly frustrated with every failure, Jan poking fun at him each time certainly didn't help.   
  
Luckily, he ran out of bullets before he ran out of test subjects. By the time his gun was empty though, he felt exhausted. He looked down at the crumpled body in utter disbelief. "Then... I messed up again? How could this happen? I'm so embarrassed..."  
  
"No worries, Doc. Everyone already knows you're an embarrassment to the human race." Jan chimed in, helpful as ever.  
  
"Yeah, no worries!"  
  
They both snapped their attention to the surgical table. It had been empty a moment ago, but Schrodinger was currently resting on it.  
  
Doc stared for a few seconds before storming out of the room. No way. He was not dealing with this right now, he was done. 

**Author's Note:**

> I know that Doc has like,, A Name, but I felt weird using it  
> I don't know if this is actually funny at all, but I couldn't stop thinking about it, so


End file.
